growing up married

growing up married

When I was 7 years old, I knew exactly how my wedding was going to look.

It was going to be a beach theme, since I was born near the beach and consider it (and the arms of my future husband) as my earthly home. The color scheme would follow one of my favorite books at the time, “Sarah, Plain and Tall” and would be modeled after Sarah’s favorite colors: blue and grey and green. I didn’t want pastels because everybody did that for a beach wedding. I didn’t want the Hollywood bright themed ones I saw in my mother’s Home and Garden magazines. No, I wanted it to be a little more muted with a kind of Jane Austen feel instead.

My groom would be wearing muted browns and the groomsmen would all wear different styled clothing that would still match the overall theme of browns and greens. The bridesmaids would wear muted blues and greys and carry baby’s breath and calla lilies and have crowns made of baby’s breath. They’d also either be barefoot and they’d all have long hair that reached the middle of their backs with soft curls. I wasn’t into the fancy hairdo’s that you see in the magazines.

My dress was to be stark white and flowy with a drop waist design. I too wanted a baby’s breath crown and my bouquet would be white calla lilies and white carnations tied with blue, grey and green ribbons. I wanted a piano, harp and violin to be played while I walked down the aisle with my father and it would be the most beautiful scene in the world.

I had this idea planted in my mind for years, and every time I see a man who looks remotely like he could be husband material, I immediately see this image in my head again. My ultimate goal in life (up until a couple months ago) was to get married and have children.

Once I turned 24, it seemed as though my dream of getting married and the white dress and the calla lilies was slipping further and further away. I wasn’t even in a serious romantic relationship, let alone marriage ready! I began to panic thinking that maybe I was doing something wrong or hiding too well for my future husband to come and find me. I even started wondering if anyone would ever love me or find me remotely attractive.

I consulted my Bible and tried to study what it meant to be a godly wife and obtain anything I was missing. I must have highlighted Proverbs 31:10-31 in at least 4 different colors…

But the problem wasn’t that I wasn’t a godly wife. It was that I was spending so much time trying to be a godly wife that I spent pretty much no time enhancing my duties as a godly woman.

My problem with marriage isn’t that I’m not married. It’s that I want so badly to be married that for a long time I was willing to sacrifice knowing who God created me to be in my own woman in the hopes of submitting myself to a man on Earth.

That’s pretty damaging…

How am I supposed to bind myself to another soul when I don’t even know my own…?

I wrestle with these thoughts daily. I like being alone. I want to be with someone. I enjoy my solitude. I miss a man I’ve never had. I long to find myself. I long for a man to find me.

Sometimes I think too much about him. How we’ll meet, what his name is, if he’s reading this…

If he likes to read at all.

Honestly, my main saving grace is knowing that whatever God has in store can’t be bad for me and is better than anything I could ever imagine. If that means remaining single, perhaps He will use me to touch many lives; or maybe just one life in an awesome way. If it means that I’m to marry, He will send me someone who is beyond anything I’ve ever dreamed.

I don’t know who’s reading this, but if you made it this far I’m going to assume that you’re either single or remember the heavyness of your singlehood. Regardless, there’s no shame in wanting something you have yet to gain and there’s also no shame in enjoying the peace of being by yourself. Take time for yourself; no bad can come of that.

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