The Night I Screamed at God
It was a little after 10:30pm.
I was sitting on the side of the road foaming at the mouth from thirst; my phone clutched in my left hand.
The sobs were coming so hard I could barely breathe. So hard, I could hear the echoes of my wailing in the distance of the night.
“He’s gone and done it.” I thought as I choked on my lack of saliva. “Four days after he gave his word to never leave… after we made plans to come back together…after such a promising and committed future, he’s sleeping -living- with another girl. And he sent word to make sure I knew of it.”
I had been called and known as many things in my life up to that point, but “easily replaceable” was foreign to me.
As I knelt over his picture on my phone, I could feel the built up anger heating my entire body. My older sister stayed on the line; silent as I screamed. She had told me to let it out- let all of it out. I had thought that staying calm up to this point was me trying to be mature, but it wasn’t until that night I realized just how much I was bottling inside.
Before I knew what was happening, the frustration and anger I’d been harnessing became trapped in my throat and escaped in words I never imagined I’d ever say: “I don’t want faith anymore!”
After a moment of silence, I heard my sister quietly say, “Tell Him that, sis.”
With heated tears itching my face and perspiration threatening to make me catch cold, I turned my face toward the sky. “Why me?” I started, then paused. This was my chance. To be real. To be honest and raw and serious.
“Why did you put this desire in my heart at childhood if You’re just going to take it away? Why would you answer a prayer and then go back on it? Is it because I wronged You?”
My voice got more and more elevated with each question as I walked around in the empty parking lot as I continued.
“I told You that I was sorry and I did all You asked! I loved and hoped and prayed and practiced gratitude! You said that if I follow You and Your Word, You’d answer me! But You’re so far away; You won’t answer me!”
My sister stayed silent as my voice grew.
“Why won’t You hear me?! I’m doing all You ask and I can’t take anymore! My heart is heavy and I don’t want to do this anymore! I don’t want faith! I don’t want to love or to hope! What I want is for the Earth to swallow me and to end all of this NOW!”
At this point, my words no longer surprised me; they had been sitting in the bottom of my stomach for so long and this was the first time I acknowledged it. So I allowed myself to keep going.
“Why won’t You show up when I did what You said?! Say something! Anything! Show me a sign!”
This was it. This was the part where I used the rest of the faith in my soul.
Here’s the thing: being raised in the church, I heard about people asking for signs. I used to do it all the time in my youth, but I’d never see them show up. I figured that since every person has their own relationship with God, maybe mine was the kind that wasn’t blessed to see signs. But this night, I used what little faith I had left to beg for a sign; knowing if this was the only one I saw there would be no doubt in my mind that I was on the right track.
I screamed at the sky for a sign from the Lord if I was correct in my thinking.
“If I did as You asked, if what I thought was true, if what I did was right, if I was correct in my thinking and what I thought to be Your truth about this, then show me! Show me the color yellow! No, show me white! Show me both, I don’t care! Just say something!”
I remember sitting there on the pavement for a minute just looking around. I felt crushed. Disappointed. Abandoned.
As I got up to drag myself home, I stopped when I saw a large bush of yellow flowers and scowled. “Well that’s a sick joke…” I thought.
While I continued to smirk in disgust, I heard a car coming down the road parallel to me. It had been quiet most of the night and I’d only seen maybe 3 cars in the hour and a half I’d been outside. But I turned my head to the road to see a truck.
The same make and model as my ex. And it was pure white.
I still didn’t believe and felt a little confused as to what I was seeing. I used up what little faith and hope I had left and believed that what I was seeing was a coincidence. And I know the Lord sensed that in me.
Because seconds later, another car drove down the same road. And it was also white.
Shock struck me to the core. No… It can’t be. I stuttered to my sister over the phone in disbelief as my head turned to watch the car follow the truck. It stopped at the intersection and I paused in utter and complete awe.
Making his way to an intersection was a large man wearing a white and yellow striped polo shirt.
Y’all, when I say my head turned to heaven so fast!
The peace that took over my entire body was something I had never experienced before; it was so surreal that it scared me.
The Lord’s peace scared me.
I picked one of the yellow flowers from the bush and ran home to press it.
Will my ex come back? Does he still love me? Was he truly my husband as I’d prayed? Will we end up together in the end and be the ultimate story of love in the face of adversity? Or did this mean that I was supposed to move on and God had something or someone better? Was it finally time to give up? What was coming?
I can honestly say that I haven’t the foggiest idea.
But what I do know is that He is real. He exists. In the joy, in the sadness, in the excitement, in the pain.
When I feel invincible and when I feel invisible.